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No 1


22nd November 1975

D I V O R C E - Billy Connolly

Some weeks ago I heard this song
This song I'm about to do and I couldn't keep my hands off it

Our little dog is six years old
and he's smart as any damned kid
But when you mention the V.E.T.
He damned near flips his lid
Words like S.H.O.T shot
Or W.O.R.M worm
These are words that make him S.Q.U.I.R.M squirm

His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. starts today
Coz he bit the V.E.T.
and then he ran away
He caused me and my wife
To have a big fight
and then both of them bit me
and that's why I am
Gonna get a D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

She shouted get him Rover
and he jumped over
and bit my L.E.G.
She sank her teeth in my B.U.M.
and called me a *?**?
Well I'm telling you
That was my cue
To get
and I'm going down to the town tonight
To get a new B.I.R.D.

Oh yes His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E. starts today
Both my wife and my wee scabby dog
Will soon be hauled away
That's why I spell out all of these words
So as my dog can't hear
Oh I must admit that dog is actin' Q.U.E.R. queer
Oh yes I must admit my dog is actin' Q.U.E.R. queer








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